RuthTay’s Weblog

to call a spade by another name would be betraying my own conscience

it’s difficult to live a life when every moment, your action is ‘judged’ or ‘discerned’ by someone else. It gives an uneasy feeling especially when your good motives and intentions are mistaken. Never easy to accept someone who ‘reads into’ everything you say or do. I feel so restrictive in my actions trying to think what this person will think of me when i say this or do this. It’s uneasy and sickening. The worse is when he/she misinteprete your actions or speech for something negative or a hint that you do not want to do this or that.

I feel heavy in my heart. Just heavy. Is it a burden? I’m starting to become cynical and reading into someone’s actions and words. At this point of time, i don’t know whether this person is genuine or just putting up a show to gain votes. I have come to this point and I feel that everytime when I see this person, I am wearing a mask. I know it sounds very silly but it is very real. I don’t know how to deal with it and I don’t know what ‘accusations’ will fly behind me the moment I turn my back.

I’m drained, emotionally just thinking about all these. I feel treated like a criminal sometimes. My accuser insisting that I have a modus operandi.

Hope things get better.

some pics to brighten my dull blogskin.

Charis, my daughter. 9 mths old

hmm. what a semi finals for the australian open at melbourne park last evening. It was world no.1 Federer taking on world no. 3 Djokovic aka Joker. While I have always admired Federer for his variety of strokes in his arsenal. Last evening, I was rooting for Djokovic and hence divided mentally and psychologically. Djokovic was covering the courts well, serving well at the crucial moments in the game especially at deuce and breakpoints. At the end of the day, the game of tennis is about seizing the opportunities. When the opponent returns a weak ball, capitalize it and hit a winner.

This week, I also had to see the world no.1 woman, Justine Henin (my favourite tennis player as of 2003 and will always be) fell prey to Maria Sharapova. It’s never easy losing to Maria. Maria has one kind of smug confidence and her nose up in the air. At 17, she won the wimbledon championship, one of the 4 most important grand slams of the year. Now at 20, she is nearing her goal to win the first australian open championship. Will the meek inherit the earth? I prefer Ana Ivanovic, who has a more pleasant persona. Girl next door.

Predictions for Man and Woman’s champion.

1. Djokovic vs Tsonga – Djokovic (5 set games, Tsonga is a very tough opponent, serves well and hits the ball very hard)

2. Sharapova vs Ivanovic – Ivanovic (I want to see the girl next door win the ‘glamour girl’)

Let the Serbs rule!

i don’t need disernment to see through your bigotry.

what is life all about? at the end of the day, when I look back at my life, what would I see and what would be of value to me? life used to be simple and was simple without the complexities of decision making. As life grows, life becomes more and more complex. the kingdom is big men. the body of Christ is big, huge. I am glad there are diversities within the larger body. Without it, the body will not function. Nobody within the body is absolutely right or wrong. It’s just the perspectives they represent. The hands will always be used to hold things and the legs will always be used for walking. Which is a better function?

I wonder, when I am 60 years old, will I become so disillusioned and cynical. See the kingdom is so big that his will continues to be fulfilled. whether here or there, now or later. It’s very scary sometimes but that’s life. You try to live the way you think it’s best but along the way, things change and you change route, change gear. Perhaps life is really like a triatholon rather than marathon. Tri because we need to battle the elements with different posture? Swim, cycle and run. That’s how it has to be completed. Maybe it’s time to change the posture?

I pray that as I look back on life, I will not look back with regrets and regrets.

Dear God.

How long will mission be bottled? When oh Lord? There is certainly a case for the para church. Are we ignoring the great commission? Do we have to wait for the opportunities to be presented before us? Maybe there was but we have close the door on their face? What are we doing, sitting here and waiting. God, it’s coming to 5 years. Show me your face.

I think of Hudson Taylor, William Carrey, Jim Elliot, George Muller and I am compelled.

Is it the question of whose right or wrong? What are the components of a good worship? I used to believe that a good worship consisted of lively songs, songs that can be built up into free worship, etc…. and most importantly, a good worship must be able to flow into free worship where people have free expression to worship God in the spirit i.e. singing in tongues. All these are NOT wrong per se but it is wrong when it becomes a formula to achieve good worship.

Free worship has to be Spirit led, bottomline. No two ways about it. If it becomes enforced, it will become unatural and unspiritual.

Similarly, there are those who says hymns are the way to go. It’s true but there there are also good contemporary songs.

At the end of the day, it’s all about preference of expression. What we are most familiar with. Nobody is right. Nobody is wrong. Can we just get on with it? Love God and worship Him.

In a Church, it’s more complex. We must really learn to accept all forms of expressions. I would envisage Church worship as a big family coming together for a meal. There are varieties on the table and there’s something for everyone. Nobody has the privilege of just eating one type of food. I wonder will Jesus turn up if He is aware of how split up we are over our ideas of worship.

I just want to worship with all my heart. Lead worship as I am led to do so without the forms, without the technicalities.

I just want to love Jesus. really.